I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Randomize
