i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
