...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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