I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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