you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Randomize
