Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
