I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
