I wish I only lived at night.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I think we might need a safe word for this...
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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