my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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