If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize