i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
