I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
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