You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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