I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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