So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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