i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
