if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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