Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize