Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
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