That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
