went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize