mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
