I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
