You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Randomize
