my mouth tastes like poor choices
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
