I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
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