Christians are straight up FREAKS
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Randomize
