I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Randomize
