Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
