our cab driver is having phone sex.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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