If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize