is your mom at the bar?
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
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