i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Randomize
