I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
