Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
