My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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