I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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