Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
