went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
areolas are like halos for boobs.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
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