why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
