she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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