I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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