My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
