True but thats because hes a fetus.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
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