All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Getting drunk in a different country is not a good idea. Lets just say spanish women, 17 yr olds from missouri, prostitutes, and a poodle. I don´t want to leave spain.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
