Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Randomize
