i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
