tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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