Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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