they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
