He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
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