Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
