The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Randomize
