you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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