Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
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