I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
