I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Randomize
