Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
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