Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
