so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
